There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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