so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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