# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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