When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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