How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
