After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize