I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
