UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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