Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
