it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
