My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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