Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
