i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
