im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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