Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
