Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
