i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
