What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
