you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
