I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
