what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I looked at my own cervix.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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