I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
