I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
