John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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