okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
