I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
