having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
