Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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