At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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