Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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