I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
