She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
