When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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