oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
