Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
