this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
