I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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