I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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