god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
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