True but thats because hes a fetus.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
please come you make the beer taste better
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
