Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
