if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
