I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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