In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
