I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
