as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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