we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
