I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
