just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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