Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
sex in a hospital.. check
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
