i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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