if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Is it penis luge time yet?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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