I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
