I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
