Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We have started to decorate penises.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
