I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
