I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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