Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
