No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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